Secret Aardvark Habanero Hot Sauce
by Rob Branch-Dasch
Keeping your cool must be hard when you’re so hot.
There are eighteen subspecies of aardvark. Seventeen of them are well known in their sub-Saharan Africa home, but one is a secretive, mysterious creature that makes his home in Portland. Being so far away from friends and family gets him very, very hot under the collar. He has made it his mission to save us from the lackluster fare sometimes dished out when food cart vendors are distracted by their cell phones, by cafes when the line chef is busy working on a high score, and by us anytime something needs a little zing. And who doesn’t want a little more zing in their life?
The ways of the Secret Aardvark are magical. His mystical powers transform mundane foods into hot cuisine, which is actually two steps loftier than haute cuisine. Hot cuisine is truly an art form unto itself, and to be fully appreciated one must taste Secret Aardvark’s Habanero Hot Sauce straight, no chaser, directly from the bottle.
You balk? Puh-lease. Aardvarks sacrifice for us. They have to eat ants and termites for pete’s sake. All they’re asking is that you eat some hot sauce. And this aardvark even moved from Africa to Oregon for you. His. Mother. Never. Stops. Calling. So pull on your adult panties and put a half teaspoon of the hot sauce on your tongue. Do it now.
You see? It actually tastes good! Chili peppers, like chocolate, cause your brain to produce endorphins, those wonderful feel-happy chemicals. The label on bottles of Secret Aardvark sauce makes no mention of a law of diminishing return, so it’s fair to assume that the more hot sauce you consume, the happier you become. Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and bear in mind, both Alberta Co-Op and Secret Aardvark HAVE accepted it), is to help make the world a happy place. So eat hot sauce and get happy.
You’ll be overjoyed to know that Secret Aardvark Habanero Hot Sauce contains white wine vinegar, roasted tomatoes, habanero peppers, onion, carot, beet sugar, prepared mustard, water, kosher salt, cornstarch, herbs and spices. This means that, as of time going to print, the sauce is both vegan and gluten-free. We strongly suspect that no aardvarks were harmed in the making of this sauce, but because this Portland-made product tastes so good we also strongly suspect that the feathers of some California roosters with a competing hot sauce may have been ruffled. Another point of pride: this great sauce isn’t called “Sricrat Aardvark.”
Can you imagine how heavenly Secret Aardvark’s secret underground lair must smell? In the mean time, you’ll find 10.5 oz bottles of Secret Aardvark Habanero Hot Sauce in Alberta Co-Op for just $6.99 each. Stock up! We’ll refill the shelves.