Liver Rescue 5
by Rob Branch-Dash
Sometimes, after providing a happy evening’s support for Portland’s artisan this and craft that, you need a superhero on your side. You need Aquaman to rehydrate you, you need Superman to sit outside the bathroom door and talk to you, and you need Wonder Woman to hold your hair out of the way. There, there. What bits of last night you remember were fun, and surely Spiderman can wrap up any embarrassing social media fallout on the web. That leaves just one annoying loose end: your liver.
With any sort of luck you’ve never actually seen it. But from what we’re led to believe, your liver is an enormous gland under the right side of your diaphragm. Poke around under your lowest right rib and chances are you’ll be pretty close. Look for the relatively large, dark red squishy thing with an “L” sticker. Transplants may include additional “Made In China” and “UL Listed” stickers.
I’ll bet it was easy to find, even without the instructions. The liver is the human body’s single biggest internal organ, even bigger than the brain. But as big as your liver is, that party last night was even bigger, wasn’t it? That’s right: very soft, gentle, absolutely silent high five. So your liver will be needing reinforcements to help you detox while you sleep all that off.
Quick! Shine a beacon on a passing cloud, and summon The Liver Rescue 5!
The Liver Rescue 5 aren’t from the Police Force, nor from the Air Force. No, even better: they’re from the Heath Force. Yes, of course that’s a real thing. For anyone concerned about ingredients – and shouldn’t we all be – the label specifies, in large, bold lettering, that The Liver Rescue 5 are 100% Hard Core. This is just another benefit of Alberta Coop membership; you’ll find no weakened, watered down 30 – 40% Hard Core options on these shelves, only 100% Hard Core.
Open the bottle, and:
“Milk Thistle!”
“Dandelion!”
“Chanca Piedra!”
“Pichroriza!”
“Fermented Tapioca!”
“By our powers combined! We are… The Liver Rescue 5!”
The packaging doesn’t indicate what exciting and powerful single form is taken by The Liver Rescue 5 when they raise their rings to the sky and combine their powers, other than some healthy-looking vegan gel-caps. This is likely a beta version of the cartoon, or could be an extremely clever disguise. We all know how this episode goes: greedy, profit-driven, planet destroying toxins are throwing a terrible banquet on your liver for all their hideous friends, laughing maniacally and drumming their evil prehensile toes. There’s a knock at the door of the abandoned amusement park, but they dismiss any worries they might have over the innocent-looking gel-cap standing there. “Come on in,” they snarl, “please join us,” secretly planning to devour the little pill when its back is turned. But gel-caps don’t have backs, and this superhero vegan gel-cap turns out to be The Liver Rescue 5! The action, we can assure you, is incredibly cellular. No punches are thrown, because violence is never the answer. But rest assured that all the villainous toxins get exactly the metabolization they so thoroughly deserve, and after the commercial break everyone learns some very valuable lessons.
The Liver Rescue 5 are superheroes you definitely want in your Justice League. For the record, they no longer require an orbiting satellite; these days they’re happy to use your medicine cabinet as their secret headquarters. Yes! That’s unbelievably awesome, but stay cool, because it’s also a huge honor. Until you’ve turned over the keys to your medicine cabinet, you’ll find The Liver Rescue 5, packed and ready to move in with you, in Alberta Cooperative Grocery’s wellness aisle. Please pick them up soon; even superheroes can’t live out of a moving box forever.
